During my most recent vacation I've found my mind wandering more - sometimes unravelling. For many years my identity has been linked to the software I've built, gaining enjoyment and purpose from the problems I've solved and obstacles I've overcome. This hasn't been without challenges, burn-out and resets, but I've ultimately become a better person.
More recently, I've felt a slow-down in building, spending more time dealing with friction and growing pains of the engineering organisation instead of focusing on its technical direction. This, coupled with a busy year has left me feeling spent and exhausted, with less than usual to show for it.
Adjacent to this is the up-tick in the AI space, with an expectation that I'm keeping up with the latest advancements, when in reality I'm barely keeping things together with what's required of me by the engineering org.
My vacation has been more difficult than I expected - instead of relaxing, I've found myself dealing with anxiety from falling short of my internal expectations, and too burned out (and/or anxious) to try to sink time into a side project. This has been compounded by the realisation that the friction within the engineering org is due to misalignment in the engineering strategy and vision which I originally worked on when I was an Engineering Director in 2023.
I'm back at work in a few days' time, and I feel somewhat trapped by my choices: Try to keep juggling an engineering org with growing pressure from all sides, or switch to management to alleviate the pressure points, work on defining the strategic direction, and save my sanity. Or do something completely different.
